This is not right to think this way. It makes you feel so uneasy, like you are not strong anymore. Or you’re simply too tired to pretend, who cares?
You are so much convinced that the idea of continuation on this path drives you to the edge (What if this is what you deserve??).
There are these rules, you remember? You established them, they glittered in your emotionally eager head like a perfect arrangement. You accepted them (Did you??).
The unquestionable logic does not discredit this perfection. It’s profitable. It’s smart. It’s exciting. Go for it.
Just your gifted, unique, sensitive, whatever-else soul does not keep up with the idea. It does not give a damn about the rules.
Finally your reserved, educated and experienced brain takes the floor: “Put an end to this, do not let you suffer for the sake of fleeting pleasure.”
But how could I dare, hearing my rebellious, sensual side screaming for more?